Hors de Marriage

Assalamoalaikum,

I have been recently shaken by an incident. So this girl sees a guy for some years and then decides to marry someone else because

a. Her family won’t accept the guy ( him being an immature and unsettled person)

b. She was more interested herself in a new proposal from a decent and good man.


She got engaged to the good man and suddenly the fiancé finds out about her previous boyfriend and naturally, breaks the engagement. thing-called-loveThe girl was very upset about it.. I was thinking one thing then, why do people get infatuated? Since I didn’t have this problem myself, I wonder what goes on in a young person’s mind.

I think I must have had thoughts about some “cute” guys I saw whether in the family or just  random blokes passing by. It was mostly limited to thinking  how cute they were..( normal shaytani thought..)As long as I can remember I always had my fate in my mind, ” My parents will choose a guy for me who will be the best, I am young and do not understand”.  I didn’t feel the need for a relationship. I find myself being very primitive when it comes to these things, but I can’t understand. While I was talking about this with my mother she even though being older had a completely different point of view than me. She felt bad for the girl, for her ex lover, for her fiancé, in short everyone. As for me I thought  both the girl and the boy should go to hell, for betraying family  and following  their own lusts. If people are interested in someone they should just propose for marriage and if it is refused, forget about it. All this hide and seek and playing with one’s respect gains them nothing. The fiancé should go to hell too as he would know the girl is now only interested in him but he throws her out instead of supporting her… I guess it’s kind of a “pukhtun ghairat” thing. In fact that was exactly the excuse he made for breaking the engagement.

I am unable to think in fairytale love terms. I think that a man and a woman only get attracted to each other on a purely physical basis if they’re not married because they don’t know each other yet. One cannot really know a person unless they live together. I have seen many couples married, who dated for years before they married and yet their marriages are very very unhappy. I really want to understand this from a young person’s point of view.. ( any of you out there less than 25, please do tell me)

How does this love thing happen? What is the objective of the relationship? What stops them from being together ? If it is a genuine reason then why pursue further? Just wondering…

As for the girl, may Allah help her…

Photo Credit : Google Images

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6 thoughts on “Hors de Marriage

  1. Factually speaking, a psychiatrist can better elaborate the nature of young males and females but anyhow let me give it a try. Fortunately, I am LESS than 25 yet hence you would acknowledge my words 😛

    Firstly, as per my observation and tiny bity experience, (let’s suppose ;-)) I divide ‘relation’ between two young people belonging to converse genders into two genres. Precisely speaking, today 80% of couples are influenced in a relation that isn’t heartfelt. They merely crave for delight with each other’s presence; they share moments and spend some time together & then move on their own trails. They never visualize each other as prospective soul-mates. Meager fraction of people falls into a devoted relations; that they become essential for each other. Since one and all aren’t same nor all relations are identical, hence nothing can be generalized but it will be a bit easier to confer as per these two assumptions.

    Today, the largest number of the relations developed between boy and girl are based on physical attraction. May be later on, they discover that they are same kind of souls. Being inexperienced, they think a happy life means external beauty and hence most of these relations break away even before making a serious start. Unfortunately, due to impulsive media westernized life-style has become a symbol of prosperity. The boy hunts for girls, the girls lure boys; they date, they talk about blah blah, merely as a fashion, as a symbol of being successful, being modern and wealthy. Later type of relation is a bit matured, where the feelings toward each other are more selfless.

    Well, attraction towards opposite gender is natural and EVERYONE in this world experiences it. I claim, if anyone denies it then either he’s abnormal or lying. But we have been educated to control ourselves; to protect ourselves from devilish acts; to defeat the inner desires; and follow the right path. Marriage is the right way, the accurate relation.

    Now why these kind of relations seldom converge into marriage. Firstly, Boys are seldom serious in these kinds of relations; so are most of girls. But girls being more emotional sometimes actually fall in profound relation while they boys have merely been flying by the time. So, eventually someone receives the hurt and the relation ends. The second most important factor is rather alarming. Almost every girl in this world tries to prove that she is the most innocent one on the surface of earth. She thinks, if anyone from her family gets to know about the relation, her innocence part shall be gone. It’s the stupid-most thinking. I have literally heard many girls saying, “I loved that boy and wished that he proposed Me.” and upon asking what would you have done then, they said, “I would have denied his proposal because I shall marry the boy my parents select for me”.

    Last and the most important factor of rupture of these relations is SO CALLED ego of families. Seldom are the parents who respect their children’s feelings. Even if the boy or the girl is good and even better than their choice, they will simply reject him/her making an excuse “yeh khandan ki ghairat ka mualma”. Though, it should be like, if boy/girl is good, they should happily get them married.

    Anyhow, Alhamdolillah my parents are the unique most, who have been compelling me to find a soul-mate for myself. 😀 Even unique is their son, who didn’t put forward even a single option yet!
    “Aage Aage dekhiye hota hai kiya” 😛

    1. You are right, I think mostly people fall into relationship because of the external attraction and sometimes the nature of the person. Althoough before people thought of their reputation I think that nowadays that factor has been eliminated, I know alot of people who.. date openly PC peshawar was the ultimate hub for dating and KFC peshawar as well.. even i know that. its very openly done now and I know of parents selecting the girls dress and makeup when she goes out on a date if it is with a rich guy.. similarly when the girl is rich the boys family is also encouraging, unfortunately such relations go nowhere and no matter how forwards a society goes, the basic beliefs will be the same, they will still not respect a gril dating openly.. anyway, I hope people are more reserved in their relationships and honour culture and society more, even if they HAD to follow their own lusts..
      and you bhai, Ill try and find you a wife myself:P

      Im sure u’d like to do your own hunting, its like a dream come true when your mum said that, but trust me, trust HER with it:P

    1. i was just saying why people would think they have relationships, not tell me account of their own relationship :p

      what do you suppose the girl in the above situation should ahve done..

  2. I have no idea as I don’t understand such mind frames myself.

    Plus in order to understand the situation better I have to hear the girl’s point of view as well 🙂

  3. @ Alhamdolillah’s Comment
    “and you bhai, Ill try and find you a wife myself:P

    Im sure u’d like to do your own hunting, its like a dream come true when your mum said that, but trust me, trust HER with it:P”

    Yeah sure! Go ahead 😛
    BUT stop ‘blaming’ that I am so hastened to find a seraphic hearted angel. 😉

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